Trailer | Designing a structure to deliver the desired performance under the uncertainties of hazard, materials and questionable models, is largely the Holy Grail of earthquake engineering. A number of methods have appeared in the literature claiming to offer this coveted prize, yet, in my very own opinion, they may require heavy computations or strict assumptions, sometimes offering a useful but partial solution, perhaps delivering something other than what the user expected, or even failing to deliver altogether. This does not necessarily detract from the usefulness of each method, but it does certainly mean that some differentiation among approaches should be maintained, despite all of them being bundled underneath the moniker of “performance-based”. Therefore, due to my heavy exposure to spaggeti westerns from a very young and tender age, my eternal fascination with the work of Sergio Leone and Ennio Morricone, and my desire to pay tribute to the shining geniuses that defined my childhood cosplay days, let me introduce to you what I consider to be il buono, il brutto e il cattivo of performance-based seismic design approaches. And like any good film, I am afraid you will have to read this paper to its conclusion to figure out which is which. I hope you enjoy it.